As school presidents always say in their speeches, "I will push for better lunches or vending machines," you
can always expect at least one of those statements (I'm learning logic in school and I've gone nutty) to be false.
It's the lunch. Push as they might, it just never happens. I've been in four schools in my life and not once has
the lunch improved after such a promising speech. But, like everything else, things change. Even if cafeteria
food is no longer called SchoolFood, it's not any better.
If you pay for your lunch, shouldn't it be better than free lunch?
Breakfast for Dummies
Waffles: Obviously, these are not from eggo. In fact, they're probably factory rejects. How nice. Hard, crusty
and not good if you have braces. Goes perfectly with syrup (see below).
Syrup: The school president has yet to answer the question, "Why is there mold and a dead fly in my cup of
Sausage: Made of ground up predigested cotton. Sausage should be saucy, not... fuzzy.
Vanilla Milk: Either they want to make us get more calcium, they want to cover up the lumps in it, or they want
to hide the fact that it expired two months ago. Tastes good only at first. Never drink when warm.
Egg: Premade, imported egg "patties." Precut, presized, and precooked. This is the chicken nuggets concept
taken to new lows.
Apple Juice: Concentrated. Do they expect us to add our own water?
Orange Juice: Concentrated also. Not from California or Florida.
Lunch and Lunch Ladies
Lunch lady: Due to your schools stringent economic policies, you are only permitted to take a tablespoon of
lettuce and a teaspoon of dressing. Condiments require extra. Drink requires extra. Good service? Priceless
yet unavailable. Limit one rotten apple per person. Max number of items not to exceed 5, including drink.
Chicken: Chicken thigh: Where'd the breast go, McDonalds bought it to make ALL WHITE MEAT chicken
nuggets. Chicken patty: They give you a hamburger pattie and a large chicken nugget. What more is there?
Oh yes, the FLAVOR. Chicken nuggets: While your health teacher tells you to eat white meat, you're still on
the dark side. Be sure to have extra milk, by the way, cause you'll need it.
Ketchup: Techinally, it's fancy ketchup. Probably because of all that water. The DOE has yet to solve the
problem of the unopenable package.
Burrito: Make sure you unwrap it completely to avoid ingesting aluminum foil. This will take at least four
minutes. We recommend purchasing a SchoolFood Burrito Holder to prevent it from unraveling. The wrapping
is soggy with who-knows-what and the cheese is made with you-know-what.
Fries: You can make your own School-style fries right in your own home! Just peel a potato, fry its skin, and
eat. Salt is already included. Water not included.
Restaurant Style Pizza, ver. 2.2 revision 10.9.6, Build 452: As DOE released AutoUpdate Technology to all it's
schools, the recipe for the pizza has improved with critical updates being released weekly. They have found
ways of circumventing the flavor meridian (although not necessarily legal). It now borders on the edge of good.
Sloppy Joe/Ground Beef/Liquefied Sausage/Regurgitated Fish Dung Fried In Lard: It looks like it was made
from the "lava" of a second grader's baking soda volcano. Watch as the red oil suspends the beef/cotton
particles in suspended animation.
More to come! We'll keep you posted as new updates emerge from DOE's update servers.
Recently, the DOE released an update that prevented the Lunch Ladies from being hacked from a computer
in the computer lab. This update caused much concern, as the FBI had originally marked the suspicious
deaths of two friends in the same class as "Misadventure." The case may be reopened to check if a bully had
reprogrammed the lunch lady to poison the students.